I love you...... but don't touch me.

Josh's grandma and mom are AMAZING! We get a new king size bed this week! We had been talking about needing a new mattress and possibly getting a king size because the queen size wasn't big enough for my comfort and the other day Josh's mom calls and says that she and his grandma want to buy us a new mattress set! SCHWEEETTT!!! How any married/living together couple can sleep in a queen size bed is baffling. I guess if the two both don't mind touching each other then sure, I guess they wouldn't mind it. But I personally need my space. In a king size bed you can meet your partner in the middle when you want and when you're ready to snooze simply roll away. "Hallo! Vould you like to have a roll in za hay! It's fun! Roll! Roll! Roll in za hay!"..... okay enough Mel Brooks..... I know it sounds awful, but the prospect of not having to touch anyone while I sleep makes me giddy like a little school girl that just heard a dirty word. Plus! I can get up to pee as many times as I want and get up to get a midnight snack without Josh going "What are you doing!? Where are you going!?"

P.S.

If you have a cat, please let me know what the deal is with this. My cat Bam has decided that he is done spite shitting in our house, by this I mean if he wasn't pleased with something in the house (furniture moved, shoes on the floor, etc.) he would take a crap right by it. Here of late though, he has started puking on the floor on Josh's side of the bed and in random places in the house. He will puke in one spot and then run to another and finish puking. Any idea what this is? I get him puking on Josh's side of the room because he just doesn't like him. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant and Bam thinks he has to compete for my affection or what, but it's getting ridiculous. It can't be spite puking because unless my cat is bulimic, I'm pretty sure can't puke on command...... any thoughts or recommendations would be a tremendous help.

Poop

Okay, so I have a few questions about poop that has baffled me throughout the years and I know you all think about it too.

1. Why does it smell bad? Why can't it smell like chocolate? It looks like chocolate...
2. Where do the different colors come from? For instance, my poop was yellow last night and the only thing I ate that was yellow was mac n' cheese.....
3. Why can't we decide what color we want our poop? I think it'd be pretty cool to be able to say, "Ya know what, I've been feeling pretty down today, I think I'll go take a purple poop, that'll make me feel better."
4. Since poop comes in many different shapes and sizes, couldn't we treat our anus like a cookie press? Just insert the piece that's shaped like a star, and voila! Star shaped poop. They do it with play dough is all I'm sayin....
5. How can a semi-solid/liquid thing feel as sharp as a knife? The physics and logistics of it just don't add up. Is it all the tiny glass particles finally coming out of us because as kids we played around in the attic insulation too much?
6. How is it that you can't remember the last time you ate corn, but somehow it magically appears in your poop? Is someone force feeding me while I'm asleep?

*Law & Order theme song playing in the background* Someone's gotta ask these important questions. For most of them, however, we may never know the answers....... chilling isn't it? You just got chills didn't you? If you did, that means you probably need to poop.

Charmander Leveled Up!

I just have to say that I am a so proud of little Charmander. For those of you who don't know who Charmander/Charzaard is (name changes occasionally), it's the wee little baby growing in my belly. This week he/she is about the size of a prune and a little over an inch long with working organs and fingers and toes. It's still crazy to me to think that there's a person inside of me. There are those of you perverts who are thinking right now, and yes I am a mind reader, that this isn't the first time I've had a "person" inside of me.... oh ha ha ha..... we all know how babies are made. Moving on. Anyways, just the thought about becoming someone's mom is pretty scary. Sure it's cool to think that I will soon have complete dominion over a little thing and will bend it to my will, but it's also scary because once this kid comes out, I have to keep it alive.

Let me first say that I have not had a good track record with keeping pets alive so, being responsible for a human life is becoming overly stressful. Josh seems pretty calm and cool about this baby. I envy his laid back attitude of "how hard can keeping a kid alive be?" Well, I know what I was like as a kid, what my brother and cousin were like as kids, and from the stories I've heard about Josh as a kid, there is no way I can let this kid out of my sight as soon as it's born. So here's what I've been thinking, don't cut the umbilical cord til the kid is 18..... kinda like a homemade leash.... escape will be impossible. Muwahahahahaha!

Are we grossed out yet? Stay tuned folks, I've got more ideas like this coming up. If you have any ideas on the subject, ideas as good as the homemade leash, let me know. I've already been asked if I will eat the placenta..... No, but I will offer it up to the highest bidder. I'm thinking a nice chianti and some fava beans will pair nicely.

The Start of Something Ridiculous

To start things off and state the obvious, my name is Samantha Rowell and I've created this blog. I know what you're thinking, why did she even write that sentence and why do I care? Well, if you would let me finish, I will tell you.... It's very rude to interupt. So, I guess I have started this blog to document my life in it's entirety, to keep a collection of all the crazy things that have happened to me and all the crazy things that are bound to come. I have two theories on the outcome of this blog: one - it will either be the best thing that I could have done with my time and blow your mind or two - it will make people want to claw their eyes out and feed them to a rabid dog..... Either way I'm gonna give it a shot. I used to keep a journal when I was a kid and going back and reading it has made me realize how much I enjoyed writing down all my feelings and experiences at the time and how pathetic I really was as a teenager. So sit tight, grab some popcorn, maybe use the bathroom, and get ready to be blown away..... or want to claw your eyes out..... I make no promises.